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Being alone

May 31, 2011

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I stay in JB alone. And when you’re alone, inevitably you do a lot of thinking. You come back from work, get your dinner, eat in front of the TV (thank God for Astro!) and do not much else. That’s my daily routine. Anyway, tonight’s one of those nights when many thoughts enter this cerebral cortex of mine. About me being far from home, about what I want and I couldn’t get (not at this time anyway), about the perils of staying alone and having my house nearly broken into, those kind of things.

Speaking to my family on the phone brings me great joy. Definitely one of the highlights of my day. As for work, there are not a great deal of things I can talk about. In fact I think there is none. Work is work. It’s no different wherever you are. I generally think I am a person who does a lot of thinking. About stuff which are important to me. Where I am now, where I am heading. There’s a lot of uncertainty involved there. I hope I get the work part sorted out real quick. At least then I can proceed to plan my life. Not that I’m lost or anything like that, but I just prefer to have a little bit of certainty in my life. Having the opportunity to hold the key to our own destiny. Probably that’s just how we lawyers are. Sorry, correction. That’s just how everybody is. You just hate it when you can’t chart your own course and having to leave it in the hands of somebody else.

I’ve looked at how I am doing in my new workplace so far. I think it has gone OK by my standards. Sure, things could’ve been better but you’ve got to be thankful for what you’ve got isn’t it? People around me have been very supportive of my work, I’m beginning to get the hang of my work in a new industry. It’s just that at times I have this nagging feeling that I could do better. I’ve got no distractions to my work so far, which is a good thing. But the thing is I tend to set a bloody high standard where my work is concerned that at times I get a sense of inadequacy. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to do better when I could’ve paced myself. I think I should pace myself from now on. There’s no point of beating yourself up every time something goes wrong. The thing is, things don’t go wrong all the time. Sometimes they do and at times its due to no fault of mine. I guess I just have to remain cool and take one thing at a time.

There, you see what happens when you think too much? At times you tend to overkill it. Sometimes I think it’s just better to go with your instincts. Do what you think is right. More importantly, do what you think feels right. The thing is, I’ve never believed in acting based on an impulse. I’ll always sit back, compose my thoughts and have a re-think. But when you do that, doubts begin to form in my mind. Which sometimes is not a good thing. Because due to this, at times I deprive myself of the good things that come with acting based on an impulse. So from now on I’ll just do what feels right. Probably I’ll get more joy that way.

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