Of personas and mental fortitude

Since I started dabbling in the internet socially, there is one sure thing I learnt. By dabbling socially I mean joining Facebook and now, blogging. I learnt that online, you present a persona of yourself probably not seen by others in your “real” life. By your online appearance, you may present yourself (sometimes inadvertently) as somebody you’re not. Of course some people do this on purpose. They may not like what they are in real life. As such their being online gives them the chance of creating a persona of their own liking and thus masking their true self. You know, looking like a cool, hip kind of person. When probably in real life they’re as drab as a door knob. They may not get as much attention as a “real” person and as such, derive great pleasure from masquerading around as people they are not online.

I am rather curious to find out the persona I’ve created for myself. Obviously I am not, and will never be a good judge of myself. Others do that. But in any case and in any given time I try to stay as true to myself as possible. Wouldn’t and couldn’t have it any other way. I try my best to behave as I would have in the real world. This would be reflected from my writing, my Facebook comments and extends as far as the photographs I post on Facebook and this blog. I’d like to think myself of somebody who is quite laid back and understanding of other people’s feelings.

The thing is, without any conscious realisation, I may have unleashed a side of me that I never knew existed before (well maybe I do to a certain extent). In real life, I don’t really like to find fault in people. I always try to see and find the best in people. If it’s good, I’ll concentrate on it. That’s my real life persona. However, through my writing, I may have found a darker side to myself. You see, with me, once I start to write, the thoughts just flow and whatever I write actually mirrors my thinking at a given time. Sure, I record my thoughts and then translate them into written form but it is during the writing phase that the earlier thoughts are expanded into what you read here. My observations inevitably focus on the bad things first and the good later. I have been tempted before to write about the shortcomings of many things. Which may not be a good thing at most times.

Having said that, I also believe in freedom of expression. That I could write about anything that comes to mind. Although it might take some internal filtering to find the best content possible. There should be a system to filter the thoughts that course through the mind in order to yield a more productive outcome.

OK, enough of that. Have you ever been so pissed off you feel that you could just chop someone’s head off? Without giving too much away, I have been in that situation before. Many times. Even very recently. Sometimes self control is a good thing after all, isn’t it? It actually prevents you from acting in a way that could later prove to be detrimental to yourself. And who knows who you’ll hurt in the process. That is why it is always good to sit back and take a few deep breaths, contemplate the situation and then decide on your next course of action. And there’s also the foolproof way of just walking away (which at times takes a whole lot of mental fortitude when you just have the almost uncontrollable urge to fight it out).

Well, you can’t please everybody all the time, can you? Heck you can’t even please even yourself all the time. So at times for me, you’d have to do what feels right for yourself. A bit of selfishness doesn’t hurt. At times you think about other people too much that you get hurt yourself. That applies to everybody, really. I’ve met many people who always put others before themselves. Which is generally a good thing. But always remember, never do it to your own detriment. The only exception to this is when you place your family and your loved ones before yourself. For other situations, there must always be room for your own selfish needs.

Anyway, 14 June 2011 marks the 10th year of Abah’s passing. Abah, all of us love you so very much. No one could ever replace you and the love you’ve given us. Of course at times you were strict (especially to me) but I know now that it was for my own good. May Allah bless you always. There’ll never be anyone else like you in our hearts. I love you. Al-Fatihah.